She's writing again

“What is your biggest hope?”

"To finally experience mortality, up among the living. To have every day be an adventure, not knowing where your life might take you, or when it might end. To fight for something. To experience the miracle and fragility of humanity. To have people in your life that make saying good-bye so hard. To experience toilets. To really live, you know?"

- Graci Kim, The Last Fallen Moon

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Hello, dear reader it has been a while. Nearly 2 years since I’ve publicly shared my writing. The events of my life since we last spoke have certainly been one for the books. I moved cross-country solo to Los Angeles, CA on the premise of sunny skies and career stability in the midst of global lockdown and economic volatility. If I only I knew how my life was going to unfold.

Regardless of the chaos, I’ve lived such a joyous life so far in Los Angeles that I haven’t taken the time to sit down, and get all my thoughts out on paper. However, the highs don’t always last, and I found myself writing again as a way to work through recent events that have caused me immense grief. After all, grief fosters introspection very well.

It’s funny that the sadder I am, the better my writing is. It carries more weight, has more body, depth, and resonance with viewers when I write about how I'm struggling. I would like to be able to have profound thoughts converted into meaningful writing without all the grief, but here we are.

Years ago, when a friend and I would update each other on mutual dysfunctional family issues and therapy sessions and soul-sucking jobs, as a way for two depressed individuals to cope, we would say, “At least this is great material.” That is, writing material for her manuscripts and for my future books.

And while I’m not that person anymore, I still hold that sentiment for every painful thing that has happened to me. At the very least, it’s all just great material. I have stories that rival imagination and every clickbait title you see. And what are we if not just a compilation of our stories? The stories we tell ourselves. The stories we believe. The stories that we share. What are we without our stories?

This is the beginning of me writing my story.

I’ve certainly been given more than enough material to work with this past year. While I continue to fine tune detailing those events in writing, here are some notes on what I’ve learned. Take these as a glimpse into some of the experiences I've had this past year.

We are always faced with choices. Not easy ones, but ones that propel us closer to our destinies, closer to being the best, most authentic, and fulfilling versions of ourselves. Not making a choice can be a choice, but wouldn’t you rather be an active creator in your own life?

Stop planning your life. I found that the more you plan, the less it goes according to. The jobs you take, the friends you make, the people you fall for, shit, even the city you choose to live in is just not going look like how you planned it to be. So, buckle up and enjoy the ride.

The best conversations happen in an empty parking lot between the hours of midnight and 3AM. That’s just how it is.

Control! Is! An! Illusion!

You don’t know what’s going to happen. With anything! It’s terrifying and thrilling all at once. Mostly, very vulnerable.

Having and enforcing your boundaries does not mean there is an absence of love nor is it a mechanism to keep people out. Having boundaries means you respect yourself more than losing yourself. That is what we call doing the work.

Joy is vulnerable. So is having hope.

Face yourself. Be honest with yourself and what you want. Sometimes, that is the scariest thing you can do. Are you courageous enough to actively make choices that are aligned with what you truly want? Especially when what you want goes against convention or logic or your conditioning.

To live a life you’ve never lived, you’re going to have do things you’ve never done. You’re going to have to show up differently than you would have before. You’re going to have to take chances. There are no guarantees. But you may find what lies on the other side of fear can be incredible.

I’ve historically said, “The hotter they are, the crazier they are.” In addition to that I’ve found the more beautiful they are, the more insecure they are.

All advice is valid and bullshit.

People close to you are actually some of the people that give you the worst advice. Everyone is projecting their own bullshit through their own lived experiences which are valid for them, but not necessarily applicable to you.

Trust yourself above all else.

Protect yourself. Protect the intimacy you create in your relationships. Even if that means keeping distance or not divulging the details.

The best definition of family on Google is the 4th one down (informal).

Don’t underestimate the power of a good, hot soup.

It’ll take more time than you expect or even want. Anything from getting ready in the morning, to traffic, to building relationships, to processing your grief.

Go slow. Let go. Be patient. Have faith.

Choose joy. Choose pleasure. Choose what feels good. We're here for a good time, not a long time.

It doesn’t have to be conventional, it just has to work for you.

I don’t know if it gets easier, but it does get better.

Oh yeah, and just in case you need the reminder, social media still isn’t real.

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Gratitudes:

Rene: You’re one of the OGs. Thank you for staying curious and for taking feedback. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for holding space for my grief.

Stef: To my fellow East Coaster gone West, thank you for being someone who gets it. Thank you for doing the work and for being someone who shows up.

Bean: The therapy has finally paid off! Thank you for picking up all my calls, and for talking me off the ledge. Thank you for always listening to me with compassion and nonjudgment. After all these years, I’m so grateful to call you a friend.

Max & Ayme: First and most importantly, thank you for letting me shower at your place. Thank you for adding me to “the family”. Thank you for all the late night snacks and laughs and fitness tests and choreo sessions. Thank you for letting me keep you up past bedtime, even though you’re sleepy. You guys are worth the drive.